We had so many great dialogue submissions – and because they were a little long, I’ve decided to spend the next few days going over three of them. Here’s the first one, from our Linda M.

Let’s look at the orignal:

(author: This is from Anna’s pov: She and her husband Jack are visiting her best friends preemie baby.)

“Ellie!” She sits in a wheelchair while Nick helps her put the gown on.

“Anna! You’re here?!”

“Hey, man,” Nick and Jack give that old guy friend hand-shake-pat-on-the-shoulder thing.

“That?” Nick steps back and takes a long look at Jack’s face.

“Congratulations! I was just in seeing junior.” Jack pats Nick on the back, clearly evading the face/nose issue.

“We’re going to see him now, right?” Ellie pats Nick’s hand. “It took some fast talking but Nick convinced the powers that be seeing my baby would only speed up the healing process.”

“I wanted him to meet both his parents at the same time,” Nick says.

“He’s a beautiful boy, Ellie.” I kneel beside her wheel chair. “How are you?”

Ellie grips my hand. “Is he, okay? Really?”

Noise in the hallway ceases. It’s as if Ellie and I are in a tunnel, just us two. A mother heart is complex – built strong to withstand unique pain motherhood brings, but also fragile – cracking, chipping, breaking when children are hurt.

“He’s little. The bed is scary with tubes and monitors, his eyes are covered with gauze. Don’t be scared, Ellie. He’s going to be alright, he’s going to be fine. God’s with him. And, his nurse, Hannah, is a Believer.”

The fear in Ellie’s eyes seems to dissipate.

“Let’s go see our son,” she says. Nick’s eyes dart between Jack and Ellie. He doesn’t move until Jack nods.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Ellie asks.

“Sorry but only three at a time,” Hannah reminds us.

“You go,” Jack nudges me. “You’re good at this.”

I am? Good at what exactly? “You, rest.”

I follow Ellie and Nick but stand back so they can have private time.
There’s not much I can do but pray.

Lord, thank you for the gift of this baby and for the fine parents you’re making in Nick and Ellie. Father set angels around Nicky’s bed.

Hannah shows them how to touch Nicky. No light strokes but firm holding, one hand over the tiny head, and one on his bum, cupping as if he’s still in the womb. Ellie hesitates. Nick kisses the back of her head. Hannah whispers. Ellie reaches in.

Come on mommy, you can do it.

An alarm shrieks. The monitor lines spike, peak, and drop. Ellie pulls back.
“What did I do?” She presses back into the wheel chair. “What did I do?”

Hannah resets the monitor, shuts of the alarms, closes the isolette and faces Ellie and Nick. “When they’re this small, everything is impacted by touch. Remember, he’d still be safe inside at this point. It takes time. You did just fine.”

(Susie here: Very touching!)

Linda wrote:
Sounds too stilted ? this is supposed to be a moving scene where a ‘surprise’ baby (born to the heroine’s best friend who was told she’d never have babies. And the baby was born too soon..and her husband was called in from sea..and now Anna the heroine is there to visit.but something about the scene sounds too sterile? What do you think???

Susie:
I agree wtih you, Linda. It’s frankly, well, too real. And not enough conflict. I think that can be solved by looking at the goals of the character. What if Ellie is going through a crisis of faith? What if she believes that she is at fault for the premie delivery, and that maybe she isn’t fit to be a mother? A deeper question is – why would God give her a child only to take it away? Ellie’s goal is to reassure her…

Let’s also add some fightin’ words, and maybe some internal monologe and revamp it a little, and see how that helps.

****

“Ellie!” She sits in a wheelchair while Nick helps her put the gown on.

(Susie here: This is where I’d start revealing Anns’s crisis of faith. – instead….)

“What are you doing here?” (Fighting words, brought on by her crisis of faith)

“What do you mean – you just had a baby.” Ellie crouches beside the wheelchair. Anna looks bad, her hair matted against her head, dried with sweat, her face pale. Ellie touches her hand as her husband greets Nick behind them.

(Susie: I’d cut out the male bonding stuff…it’s a bit distracting, since the scene is mostly about the two women. Also make sure you get the visual in there.)

“We’re…going to see him.” Anna’s voice quavers, despite her smile. “That’ll be good, right? For us to see him? Nick thinks so. Maybe he’ll know us…” She looks into her hands, the way they lay, empty, in her lap.

Ellie fills them with her hand. “Listen, it’s going to be okay. God knows -–“

“What does God know?” Anna’s grip tightens on hers. “Does he know how little he is, and how….” she glances at Nick, who has frozen in Jack’s exuberant embrace. “How Nick had to fly in to be here, and how quickly he could be…” She closes her eyes against the truth.

Gone. How quickly her baby could be gone. Ellie pushes Anna’s hair back from her face, stands up, touches her forehead with her own. “He does. And he’s sent a nurse named Hannah to him and she’s a believer. And now he’s sending you, his mother.”

Nick moves behind Anna. Ellie looks up at him, meets his eyes. “And his father.”

She lifts Anna’s face, looks her in the eyes. Don’t give up Anna, not before the race has even started. She puts everything she knows about being a mother in her eyes, in her tone. “You are a mother now. And your son needs you. Don’t be afraid of the tubes and patches over his eyes. You can do this.”

Anna starts to shake her head, but Ellie holds it still. “Yes, you can.”

“You’re so good at this. I wish I could be like you.” Anna’s words emerge on a breath.

Ellie closes her eyes. Lord, a little help here. She opens them, taking Anna’s gaze into her own. “Not really. I need God as much as you do, every day. So let’s go in there.” She holds out her hand and takes Nick’s. “Together.”

****

So I took the essence of the scene as I saw it playing out above, and with some moving around, and more goals, just a hint of fightin’ words (you could really ramp those up, too, if you wanted, go off the tangent about God and his invovlement (or percieved not) in the situation) and just a bit more internal monologue, and hopefully added some passion to the dialgoue. It’s all about looking at what your character is really saying, what their really feeling, and then letting that show.

Okay, tomorrow we’re going to look at another Dialogue Dilemma! Thanks Linda M, for helping us learn together!