Ever read a book and think, “Wow, how did she figure out how to put that sentence, or that paragraph together? How did she pick those words, that item to focus on? How did she … word paint?”
In my feature article in the current issue of the Voices Ezine, “Word Painting for Emotional Effect,” I talk about using the metaphorical word pool to find the right symbol and images. But I also use a handy acronym to help me develop a word painted description.
It’s called FOCUS:
- First Impression
- Observations
- Close Up,
- Simile (or Metaphor)
First Impression is all about giving us that overview of the setting. For example, if you were walking into a conference room, you might say: The conference room was small but comfortable. But you could make it stronger with more specific nouns, some POV added, e.g. The owner had designed this room with an eye toward productivity, not power.
Then, go to the Observations. Show a few notable items: No table, just four espresso-brown leather couches like his living room on the ranch, and a couple cigar chairs all in a Camelot circle in the center of the room. Be specific with your nouns and verbs so you can lend a mood without saying outright what that mood is.
Then, do a Close Up—some details that really make the room stand out: His secretary had brewed a fresh pot of coffee and a tray with a fresh pot and bagels centered the middle of the round coffee table.
Finally, end with a Symbol, a metaphor or Simile, something that lends a feeling about the place: Through the giant picture window, he saw sailboats cutting through the Puget Sound like surrender flags against a pristine blue sky. He checked his watch even as he sat down, hoping no one got too comfortable.
Let’s see how it works with a piece of description:
Original piece:
Enormous chandeliers bathed the room in a dreamy light, and sprays of red roses filled the air with the fragrance of romance. An aroma, if she could go by the dancing, laughing, even flirting couples around the room, she wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.
First, let’s build in the Focus, or the facts of the event: the layout, the overall design, the crowd: (And we’re going to put it into her POV)
She had to admit, even she hadn’t expected the gala splashed into the once-dreary ballroom décor of the hotel. She’d walked into a five-star event.
Now, Observations:
Everything—from the food tables overflowing with pâté, and smoked fish, croissants and mini-quiches, cheesecake and chocolate layer cakes, to the rich sway of violins from the orchestra, gave the room a feeling of decadence.
Close Up: And, again, keep it in the POV of the character. In this scene, the heroine has a mix of emotions: Worry that the event will go off (she’s the party planner) and satisfaction in a job well done. So, we’ll work in some strong verbs and adjectives, along with her body language to convey this.
Chandeliers, their crystals dripping like tears, splashed dappled light around the room, the dancers in their glittering gowns and resplendent tuxedos moving in and out of the shadows, the sparkle. A heady mix of romance—from the sprays of red and white roses, to the laughter of chattering voices—beckoned her to join them, but she stood at the lip of the party, her arms clutching her wrap.
Now, let’s add in the Symbol, something that shows us how she feels about the place, or something to make us remember it.
Magic. As if Cinderella, unable to fathom her name on the guest list, and still dressed in rags, she couldn’t enter the ball. Not while knowing that in a moment, the clock might strike, shatter the fantasy.
The fantasy had to last long enough to raise the money they needed for her sister’s home.
Now, let’s go back and edit it a bit, smooth it out:
Somehow, she’d turned the once-dreary ballroom décor of the hotel into a five-star event. The room glittered with decadence, from the food tables overflowing with pâté and smoked fish, croissants and mini-quiches, cheesecake and chocolate layer cakes, to the rich sway of violins from the orchestra. Chandeliers, their crystals dripping like tears, splashed dappled light upon the dancers in their glittering gowns and resplendent tuxedos moving in and out of the sparkle. A heady mix of romance—from the sprays of red and white roses, to the laughter of chattering voices—beckoned her to join them, but she stood at the lip of the party, her arms clutching her wrap.
Magic. As if Cinderella, unable to fathom her name on the guest list and still dressed in rags, she couldn’t enter the ball. Not while knowing that in a moment the clock might strike and shatter the fantasy.
Please, let it last long enough to raise the money they needed for her sister’s home.
See how the scene is deepened? We see the beauty, and her fears—and it allows us to root for her and long to push her onto the dance floor.
Word paint with FOCUS … and your story will come alive.
Taken from the July issue of the My Book Therapy Voices Ezine. Read more at: http://voicesmag.mybooktherapy.com