You guys are great writers – there’s not doubt about it! I got this piece from Barbara and wanted to walk through it to point out its strengths. Great job! I want to read this book!

Set up:
Mountain guide Jackson Barrett plans to start his own mountain climbing business someday when he can get the money. He has just received news from a private investigator that his grandmother–whom he didn’t even know he had–has died and he has inherited her farm–on the condition that he live there six months first.

Jackson stared after him. This man just shook his whole world—then walked away? He had a whole slew of questions all right, beginning with How did you find me?
(Susie: Love the internal monologue here – great set up).

He jumped as someone touched his shoulder. “What was that all about?” Jada asked.
(Susie: I like how she kept the tag simple, kept the focus on Jackson)

Jackson stared at the letter for a long moment, shaking his head. Then he looked up and met Jada’s eyes. “It looks like our ship just came in.” He snapped his forefinger against the paper in his hand. (Susie: A physical response, I can almost hear the snap of paper, and a good sound metaphor for the impact this news has on him).

“Oh, Jackson! You mean for Kisco Climbing?”

He nodded, then crumpled the paper into a ball, shutting his eyes tight.

“Jackson! What’s wrong? You aren’t having second thoughts about us starting up Kisco Climbing, are you?”

“No.” Suddenly he needed something to lean on. Sticking out his hand, he backed up until he felt contact with a wall, then leaned his weight into it. (Susie: Good showing of the weight of this news)

“Jackson Barrett, tell me right now what’s going on.”

He opened his eyes. “I’ve just inherited the money we need.” (Susie: I really love how he just delivers this line, without the padding of voice. I can hear his voice, solemn, not sharing in her enthusiasm).

Jada’s mouth dropped open. “You’re rich! You’re rich!” She did a little jig in a circle in front of him. “This is so great! Now we really can start up our own mountain climbing business!”

“Yeah…right.” (Susie: Fightin’ words).

“Oh! I’m so sorry.” Jada covered her mouth. “This means someone died.”

“Yeah.” The single, clipped word was all Jackson could get out. (Susie: The tone and the way it is delivered continues to reveal his emotional state. Love the way she doesn’t overwrite with lots of emotional description).

“I’m sorry…Hey, wait a minute. I didn’t know you even had any relatives.”

“Neither did I.” (Susie: Again, the words carry the tone).

“Well, then something must be wrong here.”

“You’ve got that right.” He scowled. “The money—all of it—is there. More than enough, actually. But I can’t take it.”

“You what?!” Jada screeched. “Why in the world can’t you?” (Susie – Fighting words. My only comment would be – chose ONE punctuation. *g*)

Jackson shoved the crumpled letter into his pants pocket. He turned from Jada, hoping she hadn’t glimpsed the coating of tears forming in his eyes. He started to walk away, not caring whether she even heard his raspy answer. “Because the price is too high.”

(Susie: GREAT zinger last line – more Fighting words)

Great dialogue should deliver an emotional impact, through actions, tone of voice and of course, words. This is a wonderfully delivered scene that keeps the emotions focused on Jackson, and helps the reader to understand that he’s rocked by this information. Also, it raises story questions – why is the price too high for a relative he didn’t know? Or, is there MORE to that story? Hmmm!

I’m editing a book right now – going through and taking out all the padding I put into the dialogue, adding in the right actions that show, don’t tell. It’s really normal, in the rough draft stage, to overwrite, mostly because we want to get the emotions right. Cull through your piece, streamlining it, focusing on the words, and leaving only that padding that enhances, rather than clutters the scene.

Great job, Barbara!

All the participants this week are going on the Wiser than Serpents Advance Copy Book List (which I hope to get next week!) Thank you for your participation~

Next week, we move our Hero onto his next step in the journey: Crossing the first Threshold!

Have a super weekend!