What makes a great book stand out? Is it the story? The words? The characters?

All of the above. In today’s competitive market, a story has to sing, it has to woo the reader with its premise, a hero or heroine who stands out from the mundane, and sentences that connect with oue hearts. However, the truth is…most readers don’t even notice these components. They say – wow, what a story, I loved the characters. Or, it made me cry. But, most don’t know the secrets that are embedded in every page.

But you will. *g*

We’ve been talking over the past weeks about premise, and characters, even setting, but today, we’re going to turn our attention to the words we put on the page that beckons our reader into the scene.

Take these two sentences:

The wind was cold on her face, and her legs were tired as she hiked through the blizzard to the cabin in the woods.

It’s okay, and we get the picture.

Now, let’s woo the reader.

The wind cut at her skin and, as she plunged her foot knee-deep through another layer of crusty, ice-glazed snow, her legs trembled — so brittle, as if with one more step she’d shatter, and crumble into a ball, only to be erased by the blizzard howling in her numb ears. Oh, please, where was the cabin?

The key to wrapping a reader in a scene is filling your writing with active verbs and vivid nouns, and an occasionally placed strong adjective. Can you feel the cold? I hope so. If not, then I haven’t done my job as a writer.

I have a kind and willing participant (thanks, Chandra!) for today’s blog – someone who submitted an already strong scene. With her permission, I’m going to re-arrange and offer some ideas that might make it even more powerful.

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Original:

The coal truck careened around the snake curve, horn wailing, and Andrea lost her footing. The root she held gave way and she slid rapidly down the ravine. Kudzu vines wrapped around her like tentacles. Briars grabbed and ripped her flesh. She landed crumpled in a terathum bush. Needles of pain chased up and down her bare legs. Kicking only tangled her deeper into the tenacious thorns.

It’s strong, and we can really see it – great story world!

Let’s tighten it up a bit.

The coal truck careened around the snake curve, horn wailing. Andrea’s feet jerked off their perch, and the root in her grip ripped free. “No!”

She plummeted– fast, too fast – into the ravine, kudzu vines whipping at her, briars shredding her flesh. She landed hard, every bone jarring, yet her relief gusted out in a gasp of pain. Thorns from a terathum bush speared her legs, and a ferocious, panicked kick only embedded the needles into her bare skin.

Help.

****

Let’s take it apart so you can see why I made the choices I did:

The coal truck careened around the snake curve, horn wailing. (When you have something that abruptly happens, shorter sentences enhances that sense).

Andrea’s feet jerked off their perch, and the root in her grip ripped free. “No!” (I like to add dialogue for emotional depth. Also, think of precise verbs that convey the feeling of falling, and panic – jerked, ripped)

She plummeted (instead of slid rapidly — -ly adverbs can slow the action) – fast, too fast – into the ravine, kudzu vines whipping(I like her metaphor, but sometimes during fast action, it’s stronger to pick a vivid verb. I also thought of clawing, like tentacles, but having never been caught in Kudzu, I wasn’t sure of the right verb. *g* And, this is just an option) at her, briars shredding (instead of grabbed and ripped – rule of thumb, two verbs are weaker than one strong one) her flesh.

She landed hard, every bone jarring, yet her relief gusted out in a gasp of pain. (I wanted to make the pain of the thorns instant, so I combined the landing with the realization of her pain. Just another option).
Thorns from a terathum bush speared her legs (it’s the thorns that are causing pain, so moving that word up to identify them as the culprit helps the reader know the situation without having to read further), and a ferocious, panicked kick only embedded the needles into her bare skin.
Help. (After a long piece of action, a line of dialogue or thought helps the reader catch their breath)

Like I said, the scene was already strong, and rich with description, but shortening the opening sentence, combining a few others and adding strong verbs that convey the horror of sliding down the slope is a way to make it pulse with emotion.

One element I’d like to applaud from this piece is that she already used rich details – Kudzu vine, a Terathum bush, a coal truck. The only thing I might add is the five senses — the decaying smell of loam digging into her nose as she flew through the forest, maybe the tinny taste of panic, or the taste of blood, if she bit her lip. And, she could scream, the sound of raising her own gooseflesh.

The reader won’t even realize you’ve used these little tricks to win their hearts. Only that you have wooed them into the story. And that’s the goal of every author.

You have two more days to submit your storyworld scenes to me at booktherapy@susanmaywarren.com. We’re giving away your choice of a SMW or RH book this week, and we’ll post the winner’s entry tomorrow! AND, if you want ideas on how to add vivid nouns and strong verbs to your scene, post it on the Storyworld thread on Voices, and your fellow Voices will chime in!